A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.