I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Who says great literature is dead?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.