*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what