Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
When ur friends with white people
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger