This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.