twitter is a journey
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.