Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I put the h in mysterious.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.