Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!