Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Miscakes
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.