Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.