have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
(yawn)
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
tis the season
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*offers Batman cough drops*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
NASA has no chill
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?