[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You Might Also Like
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
mom gave me mine for free
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
When ur friends with white people