I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
good work, everybody
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.