Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.