People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.