I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Dietest Coke
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most