I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Nothing to do, you say?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.