me when I see my crush
You Might Also Like
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Ghost costume 😂
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
It do be feeling this way.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.