“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese