I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.