Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
whatcha thinkin bout
One of the best
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased