A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%