I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.