I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.