ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.