I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”