I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters