Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Finished stitching this today 😇
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.