I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Sooo many times…..
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!