Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.