Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Need WebMD
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.