Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
You Might Also Like
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.