Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.