I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun