When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
You Might Also Like
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?