“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.