Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill