Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”