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fly smarter, not harder
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok