Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..