Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Labreador
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.