a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.