my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
This one’s “Alex”.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know