dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
are they though??
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
had to make it
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!