I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.