Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe