[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.