Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me trying to reach for my goals
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.