I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
never forget
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother