Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.